Rule #1: Know whom you are using to ship your hard earned stuff. These fellows can mess you up and with you being in Kenya you will never be able to do jack to regain your losses because the systems here simply donâ€™t work nor do they coincide with international law. I am withholding a name here for a serious rant to come soon.
Rule #2: Wacha those Walmart and Best Buy electronics hata shavers wacha huko. They simply wonâ€™t work in Nairobi lest you spend almost the same price buying converters and inverters na sijui nini. Ujinga ni kupelekea fundi ati hii imetoka ngambo .... usisahau atauliza na hii imeandikwa Best Buy ni ya wapi? The price to fix it will triple.
Rule # 3: All those relatives that used to text you and blow your phone mid-month with a thousand problems will never be seen and shall automatically cease texting you for that ka 1000 bob hapa na pale ama mchango ya matanga. Usijali they realize you are in their turf and you now know they were effing with you while you were far away. They are doing just fine if not greater. Hizo ni pesa za kunywa ama kununua ploti you were funding them.
Rule # 4: Wait till you are on the ground to think of a biashara if that is your plan. Everything has already been done just come and do it better. There are no new ideas people simply just dont want to do them. But when you start they will copy your idea then use the powers that be to eat you alive and throw you out of biashara if not steal your idea. So keep your plans as a highly guarded secret to surprise them.
Rule # 5: DONâ€™T come here with your acquired tweng .... Problem is we cannot hide the tweng coz sometimes warra quickly slips out of water bila kujua sababu Shaniqua at Zaxbys drive through had to hear warra to take your order for those 20 years and it is hard to change in a flash. Someone was quick to know I had not been around for a while when I asked for the trash bin to throw away a water bottle. He said hapa unawekelea tu popote huko ngambo ndio kuna sheria ama wewe ni wa Karen? Hata mama mboga will hike her price for a tomato. I bought a nyanya jana ...3 for 40 bob nikajua hii ni ujinga. Luckily the owner of the stall is my boy akasema ni 25 bob lakini wewe usiwahi lipa hapa kwa ka hustle kangu. Plus, anyone telling you ati hapo utalipa mob sana I know someone that is affordable and does a good job or has good products jua pia yeye amekulia ka commission.
Lastly, DONT TRUST anyone hata your childhood buddies, former schoolmates (EXCEPT PATCHERIANS), friends and family need to be vetted thoroughly otherwise they will eat you alive. In short you are on your own.
To add another one, NO ONE CARES ATI ULIKUWA DIASPORA SO SHUT THE EFF AND COME HOME QUIETLY SABABU HAWAJALI. THIS IS KENYA BUT I AM LOVING IT EVERY BIT.
By Eshirandula Chief-Lui