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Free Advice to Kenyan Men Abroad

Submitted by Wa Kiuru on Sat, 03/18/2017 - 18:16

I do not know how I will put this across. But I will try. So help me God.

Kenyan men, hear me out, and hear me good. When you board that plane at JKIA and land in any city in the USA, life as you know it changes in all the domains.

Back home you were the Simba. The lion that roared and everyone in the boma scampered for safety. You could easily club all night, all week with your homies. No questions asked. Your madam solerly depended on you to bring in the posho, pay school fees for the kids, pay rent, buy and fuel the family car and on and on. No doubt this made you into a small tin god in your household. Heck! You even had a special seat just for you in the best position in the living room.

Well, I have sad news for you. The moment you cross the pond, you enter a different territory. In this new territory, there are laws. These laws are meant to give each and everyone an equal shot in life. There are no men and women here. Children are very well protected. Pets have more rights than men in this land. And hence you will find the pecking order in the household is as such: Children first, then women, then pets, and last, you guessed right, men. You better get this in your Kukuyu or Kalenjin head. There are no Morans under the law in this your adopted country.

As soon as your family settles here. The kids go to school, your wife gets a job, then the tables start turning slowly. The kids are taught at school that their best friend is 9-1-1. Your wife gets the same information from her chama friends. Ukileta nyokonyoko kidogo, shauri yako.

So what happens when your wife brings up an issue, a small quarrel, that you forgot to put your socks in the clothes hamper. Or that you need to get your stinky underwear from the floor. This is what you will do. You will slowly get your behind from the seat, walk to the bedroom like a cat, pick up the socks and the stinky underwear and place them in the clothes hamper. Then you can come back and continue reading this entry. Period.

If your wife tells you to pass by the shop and buy milk and her Always pads, my brother, stop by the supermarket and do as she has ordered. While at the supermarket, call her and ask if she needs something else. When you get home, tell her, “Honey, I got what you wanted.” And smile sheepishly as you do so.

Do not leave your dishes on the table after meals. Do not leave your shaving kit in the bathroom sink. Do not leave your shoes all over. Do not have a pin code on your mobile phone. Do not go outside to pick your calls. Do it right there in the living room. If the person on the other side is your former squeeze, pretend to be talking about the piece of land in Kitengela. Or say something crazy like, “I told you I am not Michael!” and hang up. Later you can call your former squeeze and explain yourself.

There will come a time when you will feel that your patience has been tested to the limit. Do me and yourself a favor. Go to the gym. Lift all the weights you can. Do a two hour cardio. Listen to Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry.” Shed tears but swallow them.

But my friend, do not raise a hand against a woman in this country. When you get mad over something. Swear in the inside. Plan to leave the house quietly. Get yourself a bedsitter. Start life all over. Pay child support. You have a whole life ahead of you. Life will go on whether you end up in prison or not.

Thank me in 2030, when you will be sipping red wine at a posh pub in Two Rivers Mall and reminiscing about your youth. By then your former wife will be so beaten by life. She will be covering her white hair with very smelly wigs. She will be alone in her apartment in the cold winters of Chicago. As for you my friend, you will be in the company of your new squeeze; a twenty something girl who will be asking how high to jump when you tell her to jump.


By Wa Kiuru |



Sat, 03/18/2017 - 19:52

Of course, when I read the headline I knew , your sorry ass men inferiority complex is because of women - who you married willingly, bore children with willingly, boarded that plane willingly and now you sit here and talk as if you are in prison . If y'all cannot live with a woman then do not get married - who forced you ? Ugh this bitching about Kenyan women /mamas is so boring now. If you are so depressed and you have no life , then leave and move back home . You should watch FENCES the movie because maybe your problem is not the woman but something else deeply ingrained in your psyche from your childhood...

i have said time and again,that marriage is not for everybody. Assess your situation personally and figure out if you are cut out for marriage or not. This notion of getting married just because society says so,can harm you.Dont marry and then try to fit in the idea of what marriage is,it can back fire with catastrophic results.

That's right at Maxiley, folks still getting married for the F$$&&* of it . If you are choosing someone who you are not friends with, in real love with but looking to marry your maid /servant , but it turns out the maid was a real women who is not a push over then you get what you deserve. For heaven sake why would you want to hit someone ( as the writer alluded here he misses) whom you married out of love . Using my Kenyanese here " Ati hanging in the bars till asubuhi with buddies" . If that is your hobby and that is all you miss out of life by living in America, heck I would never want to be married by you and would divorce you pronto. There is more to marriage than laundry, cooking and hitting women , and junior talking back at you ( get used to it all pre-teens and teenagers do it - learn to parent)! Maxiley thanks for drilling some reasoning to all this - we are in 2016 for heaven's sake . The level of thinking of this writer who is still living in medieval time is mind boggling.

No wonder MANY Kenyan Women in the US are WALKING ZOMBIES desperate for men who can marry them AGAIN. The Majority thought that their REship and Bangalows were going to give them Happiness Ever After. But at the end of the day: Lonely, Stressed, Depressed, Sleepless, Sleeping here and there Begging for Child Support. Sad Pieces to say the Least.

Wa Kiuru, your advise has come too late for some Kenyan men,but those who will read and heed it, will live to fight again...
How many times have we read about Kenyan men killing,or maiming their spouses,girlfriends,or even their "side kicks".
You forgot to mention one important issue her-SEX. If she says no,it means NO even if she is your wife.Yes I know men are shaking their heads.Saying its my marital right...If she wants to broaden her sexual desire/taste,find out your limits,instead of going off the handle.Women generally approach sex totally different from men.Her sexual needs are purely attached to how you behave,and treat her.Is she says she has a headache,dont run for asprin,especially if the headache continues 3 days in arrow.
And yes, if you brought her here,so what. If its not working, count your losses and move on. That is if you love yourself.

My two-cents advice to all men: For heaven's sake, be MEN and don't be cowed. Love and care for your wives as much as you can, protect them, do everything you can to be their shoulder. But don't accept BULLSHIT whatsoever! If a woman goes to the extent of wanting to lord it over you, be very very smart about it and you'll eventually emerge a winner (living in peace and happiness). For instance, if she decides to be a spendthrift and you the money generator (she doesn't spend her money as many do), be crafty, very crafty (I leave it to your creativity). Then, if things look really south, do what some of us have done - go back to +254 and sire some sons and daughters with a kechagi kachungwa and SUPPORT them as your family. Craft a small income generating gig that you can build with her and help her as much as you can. Then save as much as you can here in the US and one day just go ahead and do a DISSAPEARING act from these United States, leaving her TOTAL freedom to rule herself. Never, ever be intimidated by the west.

I agree with you Mlachake on this one - if a man cannot take the heat, then he needs to get out the kitchen. If one is dissatisfied with whomever they are with instead of whining and getting depressed over it , go ahead with Mlachake plan B and start a new family. It is a free world, hopefully that will not end up being another facade of a good woman or good life - the gichagi complacent woman ha! Just remember you cannot camouflage one's inadequacy forever from jumping from one home to the next .....:-)

You are forgetting that most people when they leave/divorce. they are so hurt from the inside and diving into another marriage straight away is a continuation of what they have left behind. That is why 2nd or 3rd marriage has higher chances of breaking up than the first marriage. You will dive into the hidden family at home & take your wounds (problems) with you. After a while the other family will start to crumble

Kiuru, even though your advise is directed to diaspora , It should apply to wananchi at home as well.You have no right to mistreat your wife in Kenya ,just because you can get a way with it...

@Max: You hit the nail on the head. The saying "Charity begins at home" comes to mind in most of the criticisms people level at others.

I'll take it a step further and say that some of the problems diasporites run into, especially in the US, is a function of their lack of preparation BACK home BEFORE they travel.

Mkenya halisi

Mon, 03/20/2017 - 18:15

Wakiuru thsts a nice well written n bro I almost peeeedd myself reading it.If u see mzee amekaliwa just know something is bad n it doesn't mean kama uko majuu.What happens is that when u move to USA/uk let yr wife know that bado wewe ni simba but if u act like wr equal then utakaliwa chapati.Some of us leaving there n they never tried any bullshit.Hii story ya yr wife coming home with a new car or bed n she didn't tell you she is buying juu she did it with her own cash shouldn't not happen.Dont let those sofas inside yr house n never ever ride in that car she bot if us real man,guruma n if u see she is becoming more of an idiot do what mlachake adviced.One afternoon park yr bag n fly back to the land of milk n honey home sweet home kenya.But the biggest mistake men do is coming to thiz majuu n forgetting to invest back home.Ukiona in this countries the dog is better considered than you,Si u invest mos mos ndio sbibi yako akiingiwa na mashetani u go back home slowly otherwise u will die mos mos kwa house???So ukikaliwa ur the one to blame yrself not hii majuu.N if yr wife anakataa na keki our African culture allows you to marry more than one wife hii Mambo ya atichristianity needs only one wife is hogwosh.

Majority of married Kenyans in the US and in Kenya live happily with their wives.Most of the problems you have highlighted affect men in the US also.check your local courthouse.few Kenyan men.I hope you are speaking on behalf of men in your family.Maybe you could focus more on the current tribalism in Kenya

If I'm going to be squeezing an old geezer and drinking Johnie Walkers ( cheap), then it better be somewhere in French Riviera, The Gibralta or a Pent House in London . 3 rivers *ahem* drinks in the mall , who wines and dines a girl in a Mall and thinks amefika ..... ..... Just saying aka throwing shade!

Formerlyguest: I would rather be drinking at the mall than being on French one day and pay through the nose.In any case,no man wants a squeeze from trumpland,they are all fat from eating seven eleven burgers.

Thanks to W. Kiuru for saying as it is. What some of us think as "common sense" do not exist anymore. Just an idea, the writer to have this printed and handed out to all young and able folks from the Republic before boarding that plane to the land of honey and milk as it used to be called. Whether individuals read or not, it is up to them. Despite all, most law abiding citizens become successful in the USA.

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